Lippo's Story

My sobriety date was January 5, 1999, one of the coldest days on record in the Midwest. I remember looking into the mirror at the detox center and had no idea who was looking back. My eyes were black and lifeless. There was some old man staring at me, saying: “Please stop the pain!” I was emotionally, spiritually and physically dead. I did not know whether I wanted to live or die and I certainly did not know how to live.

Obviously, I did not pass the 20 question test and they whisked me away to see the staff doctor. I remember saying to him I do not care what you do to me, but please stop my shaking. The Doctor immediately made a call to my primary physician to find out what medications I could take, because my blood pressure was off the charts. They thought that I might have a stroke or heart attack. I was unable to do the paper work because I was shaking so hard, so they did. I signed, and the next thing I knew I was enrolled in their 5-day detox program. I was afraid, alone and completely uncertain about the future.

What got me here

I always start my story with what got me here. The reason I believe I have stayed sober up to now is my fear of and very healthy respect for this disease. I never ever want to forget how bad everything was in every aspect of my life and I know that I am just one drink away from getting all that misery back.

My health was wrecked

My blood pressure was sky high and had been unchecked for years. I was on gout medication for the past two years to prevent gout attacks. My normal weight was down, but I looked really heavy due to bloating. I looked like I had aged 20 years. I was constantly in pain and would take any kind of medication to make me feel better, be it aspirin, sinus medicine or antacid. The final three weeks I only remember having one meal and the rest of the time I drank around the clock when ever I came to.

Financially, I was a mess

My financial life was a complete mess and crumbling all around me. I had not filed Federal and State taxes for three years and owed an enormous amount of money. I had personal loans outstanding, was on C.O.D. from the company I purchased my products from and they were threatening termination. I was way behind on my child support payments. When I did make them they were only half of what was expected. My house payments were always three months past due. I paid only the minimum on my credit cards and lost one. One car was repossessed by the credit company. The funny thing was, I was on top of the world. A friend of mine says we are ego maniacs with an inferiority complex. That describes me to a tee.

Legally I was headed down

Earlier in the Fall I received my second DWI in a five year period. I was terrified of jail time and was going to lose my driving license for a year. My business depends on my being able to drive. There was a court order prohibiting me from drinking around my children and that holds true today.

Spiritual foxhole

I actually had no idea what being a spiritual being meant and I equated it with religion at that time. I did not grow up in a religious household and honestly I do not know if I believed in God or not. I like many others made numerous foxhole prayers to God and probably will never be able to fulfill my promises.

Emotionally I was a complete wreck

The final three weeks I literally drank around the clock, crying all the time and I had no idea why. I was a lost child who had all but given up on life.

My business suffered

After my supplier put me on COD, I was close to losing my dealership. I owed approximately $20,000 for bounced checks and was asked to repay them. I hate to say it, but my business is a big percentage of my make-up and it really was the only bright spot left. During the final three weeks I didn’t return phone calls nor did any service calls. Thank God it was a cold winter, or I probably would not be in business today. I remember one service call when a customer asked if she could call a cab to take me home because I was so intoxicated!

Relationships were blown off

This is by far the hardest and most painful area for me to talk about. I had all but blown off all my drinking and non drinking friends. Those that stayed I eventually chased away. I was definitely an isolator and loved drinking alone so nobody could tell the quantities I consumed. My family tried to hang in there with me. Four weeks prior to my admission to the detox center my parents tried to do an intervention on me and I told them to F---off and get out of my house. Earlier that fall my sister called to uninvite me to a party she was having, because she didn’t know how I would act and how disruptive I would become.

In my disease I could care less about anybody or anything! I lost my first wife over drinking and an affair. By far the saddest part of my story is I lost my relationship with my two children whom I loved and adored. To this day I really have no relationship with them. I rarely speak about them in meetings. It is just too painful. Occasionally I cry due to the loss even after all these years. They say we will not regret the past. I can assure you I completely regret my past actions regarding my children, and would do anything to correct that. But the past is gone and I can only be the best person today and in the future, and hope that some day I will have some kind of a relationship with them.

What it was like to grow up with and as an alcoholic

Alcohol runs rampant on both sides of my family. There have been direct and indirect deaths from alcohol, and the damage done is beyond measure. I am not going write about drunk-a-logs, everybody has their own, and I am not going to tell another family member's or non-family member's personal story. However I will tell you about my mother's alcoholism, because it plays a huge part in my active disease and particularly in my recovery. I truly believe that alcoholism is genetic, not that everyone in the family is going to have the disease.

I grew up in a large city in the Midwest, went to the right schools, right clubs and knew the right people. On the outside everything appeared normal. But because of my mother's active alcoholism, it clearly wasn't. Looking back, I have mentally blocked out this part of my childhood, because I have no recollection of my mother even being present. I have recently seen pictures of her and it kind of brings back some memories. For all practical purposes there was not a mother present early on in my childhood. I believe sometime around the age of nine, my mother was sent off to the Mayo clinic for alcoholism. We really did not have contact with her. My brother, sister and I were raised by nanny's and maids and whoever my father could get. It still is a little sketchy exactly what my mother went through, but it was extensive and went on for years. My parents were divorced and we lived with my father.

Alcohol is a slow killer

As far as I know, my Mother made numerous attempts at recovery. In that day, Women in AA were rare and there wasn’t much knowledge about alcoholism. Alcohol is a slow, merciless killer. I watched my Mother die from this disease from my early teens on. I can't count the number of embarrassing incidents, and for years watched her on the couch slipping away day by day, and continuing to drink. I remember at one point saying to myself that I will never drink. It is so sad to see such a beautiful lady, so full of life, commit slow suicide. My mother was somewhat of a socialite. I still hear to this day from some of her friends what an incredible person she was. It is so nice to hear, but I never saw any of it. For all practical purposes she died alone. Present at the funeral were me, my brother, sister, stepfather and my aunt. All of the hundreds of friends she had just years before were gone!

When I started drinking

I really began my drinking career in high school mostly on the weekends. Pretty normal stuff for teenagers, but I always took it to the extreme. Even at the end I never really acquired a taste for alcohol, but boy what it did for me. A soon as I had my first sip I was off to the races until I passed out or there was nothing left. It cured all of my problems. At that time the consequences were minimal. I also found that I had a knack for making friends and getting into relationships. Looking back at my biggest breakthrough in recovery, I was unaware that I had abandonment issues. It was simple. I didn't want to experience pain, so I drank, and I didn't want to be left alone, so I was always involved in a relationship. That’s how I coped then.

High school drinking

During High School I received lectures about my drinking from my father and step-mother. My dad remarried when I was around 14. I was not concerned and continued on with my weekend benders. My girlfriend at the time was also concerned, but hey, everybody was doing it, or so I assumed. It is important to note here that I was in a relationship for seven years from 15- 22. She was extremely important to me. Looking back, she was somewhat of a mother. Even during the later stages of my alcoholism I remember calling her just to talk. What a bad idea. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was reaching out for help.

In college, my drinking got worse

I went to college, and look out--absolutely no supervision! I became a daily drinker and started experimenting with drugs. I am not going to go into drugs, because they really were not a big part of my story. I tried a variety and they worked for me, but nothing worked as well as alcohol. I lasted 1 1/2 years in college, and then was asked to leave. I had meaningless jobs and returned to college a year later. I finally got out of a very mediocre college career, and started my professional life, away from where people really knew me.

My mother died because of alcohol

My mother died by hitting her head on the fireplace, from what I gather was a very common alcoholic death. There were no tears and life went on.

Life went on

I have always owned my own businesses. I was too much of a control freak to listen to authority, so I started my career. I had success, but my drinking career was in full bloom. I received my first DWI and was slapped on the wrist.

Marriage and a family didn‘t matter because of my drinking

I met a girl and we were married, because I could not stand being alone in a strange town. The few friends I did have, drank pretty much like me. It was a marriage of convenience and I regret the pain that I caused her. She was a very light drinker. This is when my isolated drinking really took off. From this point forward I really do not remember a day that I did not drink.

We had a baby girl and I was ecstatic. I loved her to death, but even that didn’t slow my drinking. I decided that it would be best to raise her in the town that I was from, so I sold my business and moved my family home. I picked up with my old drinking buddies and continued also with my isolated drinking. I started a new business and achieved success pretty quickly. Everything appeared to be going well. We had a baby boy, once again I could not have been happier. I loved my children more than life, but my drinking took precedence. When they were two and four, my downward spiral took hold. I like to say that I was sliding to the bottom for many years before finally falling in. I had an affair with another alcoholic. I could not have cared less about anything.

My life with alcohol was miserable

My time with drinking was miserable. My business went down, my friendships were dissipating, my relationship with my family, wife and kids were all but gone. So I decided to move out. I still see my children watching me in the window as I left. It brings tears to my eyes even now. It was not so much about the affair or whom I was with, but to continue my drinking as much and as often as I could and not be alone. The disease had a firm hold on me. My friends and family called me on my excessive drinking, but I blew it off. I started going to church searching for what, I do not know, but I was drunk there. I did not know what was wrong with me. I received my second DWI and was slapped on the wrist again. Then it got worse!

An ugly divorce followed

My now ex-wife filed for divorce. I am not going to go into detail here about my divorce, only the pertinent parts. It would take forever and this is my drinking story. I have seen a lot of divorces in my time and honestly I have yet to hear of one as ugly as mine. It took three years and probably many years off my life. I could and should write a story about my parents and my divorce, because it would be as healing as telling this story. In fact I’ve met with a small men’s group and told my divorce story, trying to help someone.

My alcoholism grew worse

It did not seem possible, but my drinking escalated and I started drinking earlier in the day. I would even show up at customers’ homes drunk, although I hid it pretty well. I do not have a lot of customer interaction in my business, so it was perfect for a drinker. The only way I could cope with the divorce was through drinking. Early on in the divorce there was a court order stating that I could only see my children supervised by family services. It should be mentioned that I was falsely accused of many things and it took three years for the legal system to finally figure it out. I was constantly in and out of court, paying attorneys and scrambling any way I could. I do not know how I kept my sanity. A few times I thought I had lost it. Every aspect of my life was falling away quickly and then consequences started coming.

I started paying the price for my alcoholism

My health started to go downhill, as was my business. My supplier wanted back pay for $20,000 in bounced checks and other money I owed. I received my third DWI, second in a five year period, not advisable. They took away my license for a year. My business depends a lot on driving. I won't say how I got through that one. I was absolutely scared to death of prison and just to show the insanity of this disease, when I got out of the detox center I found nine beer cans in my car. That would have been an immediate go to jail card. For all practical purposes I had no relationship with my children and they moved out of town. I did not see friends or family and nobody wanted to have anything to do with me. My girlfriend and I broke up and then I was alone. From this point forward it grew very dark, scary and very hazy.

My life lost in alcoholic haze

The final four months of my drinking career were absolutely awful. I started drinking around 5:30 a.m. when I got up just to feel better and continued throughout the day. I started blowing off obligations of all kinds and I physically felt like I was on a different planet. It is hard to describe. I had the shakes, my vision was going, I had night sweats, I was way past hangover stage. Somehow I continued with this until the final three weeks. I stopped eating. I went to one Christmas event at church, where I showed up drunk. Every other event I cancelled. My 40th birthday came and my last meal I had alone with a 12-pack of beer, a magnum of wine and a rack of lamb. I do not even remember having dinner. Finally with God's intervention, I called my ex-girlfriend to chew her out and her mother answered the phone, whom I was very fond of. She said that if she could get me an interview at the detox center, would I go? I guess it was the motherly way it was put to me, because I said I would. I had my final drunk and the next day the white flag went up and I was off to the detox center, scared to death.

What recovery from alcoholism is like today

Whew! That was incredibly painful. It is very important to my program that I do go back occasionally and visit my very dark past and where I am today. It took absolutely every single drink to get me here and God's help to keep me here. What follows is the best part of my story, recovery. What a miracle! There are many reasons for my success up to this point, but two of them are complete and total surrender and being completely honest. The problems and consequences of my drinking did not go away, but how I handle them changed. To me, recovery is simply change. A friend of mine says to change something everyday and try something new. I am going to take the liberty of using phrases, slogans and other statements I have heard through friends, at AA meetings and other venues. Also I would like to stress that the opinions I express here are mine alone and do not necessary reflect the philosophy of others or AA. I do not have a unique idea in my head.

What the hospital detox center was like

What a scary place. Up to that point I have never been a patient, except for tonsils when I was a kid. The only other patient at the time was a guy coming off methadone, and all he did was pace the halls for days. I told the head nurse that I was not insane and that surely I must be on the wrong floor, because something was seriously wrong with the other patient. She assured me that I was at the right place. It was strongly suggested that I go upstairs at 7 a.m. for the early AA meeting and for some reason I complied.

My first AA meeting

I walked into a room with men and women hugging and laughing and I thought I found the loony bin. Didn't they know how serious this was? I sat in the back row and figured out the differences between them and me. I did not realize at the time you should be looking for the similarities and not the differences. These people spoke a different language. Surely this must be a cult and we were going to have sacrifices at any time, starting with me. I kept my big mouth shut and showed up every day for the five days that I was in detox. I did not know one person, and as soon as I was sprung they would be toast as far as I was concerned. Before being set free, the staff recommended that I go to aftercare. Once again I complied. It sure was nice to be so open, honest and willing in those early days and it is a struggle to get back there today.

I felt safe at my AA meetings

For some unknown reason I felt safe at that daily meeting and I continued going seven days a week. I started aftercare two evenings a week and a weekly one on one with my counselor. My ego was still high and it took a while to beat me down. They say meetings and aftercare are ego busters and they sure were. Much to my surprise, my father attended 11 of the scheduled 12 meetings for families. There was no one really left in my life, so I was extremely grateful and owe him a huge debt of gratitude.

My breakthrough

The big breakthrough came about 6 weeks into the program. I started going to 12-14meetings a week and I was starting to meet a lot of people whom seemed to be getting better. My counselor asked me to write a letter to my mother. I said: “Why would I write a letter to my dead mother?" But, I complied, and spent 4-5 hours writing a two-page letter to my mother, just bawling all the way through. I didn't realize the anger, resentment and abandonment issues I had with her. I believe deep inside I knew what was wrong all along, but I kept it to myself and never let it out. I was asked to read it in front of our group. The second I finished reading my letter I physically felt a grey dark cloud lift off of my shoulders. To this day the desire and compulsion to drink has left me. I was on a huge pink cloud and stayed there for months. I also met my sponsor at aftercare. We had enough similarities that I trusted him with my life and my stories. I also was in a group of 20-25 fairly new AA members and we hung on to each other for dear life. We did everything together. It was a combination of all these things at exactly the right time, that made the difference.

AA Aftercare released my pent-up feelings and set me free

I continued going to a lot of meetings and aftercare for a year. Aftercare was so important to me, because it was a safe and confidential environment where I could express my feelings. We pretty much had the same group throughout the year. Today some of those members are my closest friends and are still sober. Everything in sobriety was new to me. I had been in a haze for almost 25 years and everything I did revolved around alcohol. Feelings, oh my God! I had no idea what they were or what to do with them. Being set free from the alcohol prison felt so good that I just floated through life. At one point I had to call my counselor and ask what was wrong with me?

But I still had to deal with the results of my past

Somewhere around 3-4 months I came back to earth and reality set in. I had to deal with my past history, understand AA and it's members better, work through the steps with my sponsor and become a responsible and accountable member of the community.

My physical body recuperated very quickly.

The bloating went away. My red complexion returned to normal and I look years younger. As part of being a responsible person not only to others but to myself, I have a yearly check up. The numbers still amaze my doctor considering where I was. My blood pressure is normal and all my numbers are back to a normal range. My cholesterol is a little high so I have to take Lipitor, probably not for long. I got off gout medication immediately and have not had an attack, THANK GOD! I do not have to take daily aspirin, sinus medication or antacids. All in all considering I was on the brink of death, I am doing pretty well.

Financial recovery was a little tougher

One of my character defects is procrastination, so I had to take on some difficult tasks. I went to my accountant and fessed up that I was years behind filing and paying Federal, State, FUTA and Social Security taxes. She asked: “Are they contacting you?" I said no and she wanted to know why I wanted to set things straight? Not only did I want to sleep at night, but it was time to grow up and be responsible. Needless to say it opened up Pandora's box. Every agency came after me. Five years and a lot of money later, I am even with the board. Since coming into recovery all financial statements and monies owed have been paid on time. I have one small FUTA payment which I contested but lost and will have it paid by Christmas, 2005. All personal loans and credits payments have been made. As far as I know my credit is finally in good standing. I can actually answer the phone and go to the mail box without fear. In fact my financial situation is improving very quickly and going in a positive direction. Child support payments are paid in full and always on time. I am sure my ex-wife appreciates that. I purchased a new home and car and all the other material stuff I need and more. Honestly, I love the material stuff, but it does nothing to make me happy except for that one second I have acquired whatever it is.

My legal problems have faded with time

It has been 6 1/2 years since recovery. All the DWI problems have gone away, even the high insurance payments. It's funny, I haven't received a DWI since I’ve been in recovery. I’m still not allowed to drink around my children, but I don't think that is much of an issue. There are no more supervised visitations, but for all practical purposes it ruined my relationship with my children, so my ex-wife and her family accomplished their goal. There is nothing legally pending or coming to get me!

Spiritually I‘ve found answers

My sponsor says that religion is man-made and spirituality is God given. I buy into that and accept it as fact. In sobriety I tried a number of different churches and religions. Organized religion works for me, but not to a high degree. Someone asked a friend of mine if he believes in God and he said absolutely, I have changed. That did it for me right there. It proved the existence of God to me, because there is absolutely no way in hell that I changed on my own accord. Luckily I heard that early on, and know that without God, I am nothing and what I can't do on my own, God will do it for me. God is in charge and driving the bus, I am just a passenger and I do not have to be in charge. What a tremendous relief I can finally to the best of my ability let things go and swim down stream instead of fighting the current!

I had to put definitions on a whole lot of things in sobriety, because everything was new and it was like I was just born and aware of everything around me. My definition of Spirituality is: Absolutely everything in the Universe is directly or indirectly related and affects everything else. I have compassion for others and for myself, and can get deep into this topic, but I won't here. I was so self-centered that I believed that the universe revolved around me, and I could have cared less about anybody. I can still fall back into that, but if I am truly feeling spiritual, I care for others, myself and the universe. Just writing this is very spiritual for me. Not only has this been very therapeutic, more than anything else I hope that it gives at least one person hope that there is a softer, easier way!

I‘m an AA sponsor now

I have tried many ways during recovery to find my spirituality. I sponsor people. I went to prison to work with the prisoners. I have participated in Native American Spirituality rituals, which works incredibly well for me. I help newcomers, friends, families, and occasionally speak at AA meetings. I signed up to lecture for a year about my story to a social studies graduate class at a local college and I’m an AA contact for aftercare facilities. I can absolutely assure you I had no intention of helping anyone other than myself prior to getting sober, and honestly the one thing that makes me happiest in life today, is when someone comes up to me and thanks me for whatever I did. A number of years ago a few families made a donation in my honor to an aftercare facility. There is no way anyone was going to make a donation in my name prior to recovery, except possibly buying me a drink!

I will add that by no means am I always spiritual, in fact most of the time I am not. It can be a real struggle to get there, but I know how to get there if I am willing. It would be nice to sit on a mountain top and be spiritual all the time, what an incredible feeling, but that is not the real human experience. It is a program of progress not perfection. It is a nice feeling to at least have a positive direction in life. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey.

Emotionally I started over

They say that your emotional and psychological development stops when you really begin drinking. I wasn't sure I bought into that right away, but I can fully attest to it today. I remember canoeing with my fiancée and it took all day to get up the nerve for a quick peck. All my friends will tell you, that was not my drinking M.O.. When I first got sober I was a mess. Prior to the program, everything I did from high school on revolved around drinking, it made me empty and fearless. I am not going to list everything here, but it was as though I learned how to live life all over again. It was a rebirth. I have become more stable and slowly I am becoming the person I have always dreamed of becoming.

Business is also on the recovery road

Somehow I did keep my business and am truly grateful. It is a big part of me and really fits my personality. I have always loved what I do and cannot imagine doing anything else. I am grateful for my suppliers’ help and understanding and today I am in very good standing with them. My past debt is paid and I am off C.O.D only status and have some credit. My business easily doubled in the first few years of sobriety and continues to grow at a rapid pace. It is not so much that I am advertising or doing things to promote my business, it’s a personal attraction. I am reliable, responsive, organized, aware and very personable. My business is 95% referrals and just keeps growing. Age will be the only factor to slow me down. Hopefully I can solve that problem before it comes to me. My business also gives me the opportunity to interact with my customers which I did not do much when I was drinking. It is amazing to me how many people are in trouble out there. Hopefully I have been able to help a few.

My relationship with my kids still isn‘t healed

I am going to start off by saying that my relationship with my children has not improved even a little since I have been sober. I have made amends but that did nothing. They are still very angry and if they had it their way they would never see me. It is the only thing in sobriety that has not improved. It is very sad and brings tears to my eyes. I pray on a daily basis that someday this will change.

My friends are back

I have all my old friends back, but I do things like golf or fish instead of going to bars and drinking with them. I have literally dozens of AA friends and almost everything I do socially is with them. Not only have I picked up old hobbies that I used to enjoy, but I have even ventured out and tried new ones. My sponsor and I are very close. He knows everything there is to know about me. A close relationship with a sponsor if very important, he can tell from the tone of my voice if I am OK.

My family is very supportive and are proud of my accomplishments

Major Holidays have taken a different note and usually they do not revolve around drinking. I appreciate this from the bottom of my heart. I have to do things differently and choose not to be around drinking.

I‘ve married again

I was married 1 1/2 years ago to a women in sobriety, who has 12 years of sobriety. They say do not get into a relationship for one year once you become sober and I can see why. It's called the thirteenth step. Nevertheless I got involved at about seven months and ended up marrying her. If you want to learn about all of your character defects, get into a relationship. It is not as much a struggle today as it was, but there are still moments when both of our defects show. It is a change to be happy and married and not constantly looking around for the next conquest or who is going to take care of me next. Sometimes it is difficult to understand that she has never seen that side of me. By my past life was that of an alcoholic and she has never seen me drunk.

The 12 Steps

It is not a secret among my friends that my program is primarily social. As I started my story, I said that I learned how to make friends very easily and that has paid huge dividends. I am in constant contact with AA members. I believe that it is important to read the big book. I have done so twice, have a sponsor, and know that working through the 12 steps will work for you.

• It was pretty easy to see that I was powerless over Alcohol, but that my life was unmanageable took a little time. Today I really believe that I have no control over my life and only one being does and that is God.

• I did come to believe that God returned me to sanity. I was completely out of my mind especially at the end. I kept doing the same things over and over expecting different results. I am sane today although some may differ on that opinion.

• It is very difficult to turn my life and will over to the care of God much less anyone else. I believe that I do for the most part, but in all honesty I really want to have control and am probably a control freak.

• When I did my 4th step I was amazingly honest and thorough. As far as I can tell I left nothing out. I listed all of my character defects: procrastination, self-centeredness, have to always be right, control freak, avoided conflict at all costs and on and on. I believe that I have made progress in all these defects, but it is very easy for me to fall back into them. Some things do come up from time to time which I talk to my sponsor about. The 4th step and complete surrender in my opinion are essential to stay sober in this program.

• I sat down with my sponsor for about 2 1/2 hours going over my 4th step. He was patient and even described some of his experiences. I shared all the bad and immoral acts in my life and with his encouragement shared some of the good points that existed. After our meeting I read what I had written in the mirror to myself and in the presence of God whom I believe is everywhere and in everyone.

• I am still not entirely ready to have all of my defects removed. I am a control freak, self centered, workaholic and many other things that make up my personality. I hope that over time these defects dissipate some, but I really enjoy them too much.

• I did ask God to remove those unwanted defects. I had to hold back a few and maybe with time I will be entirely ready to have God remove the remaining ones.

• I made a list of all the people and institutions I had harmed, and I was and did make amends to almost all.

• I have made financial restitution and made amends to family and friends, just staying sober is a living amend and helping others. The hardest amend was to my ex-wife and I did that at about nine months and it was the first time that I had really been tested. If there was ever a time that I wanted to drink it was right before facing her personally and apologizing for my behavior, drinking, affair and other acts. I also apologized to my children. They say it is only to clean up your side of the street and do not expect anything in return. I did so hoping that it would help my relationship with my children, but it did not. As far as I know I have two amends remaining, one hopefully will be done soon, and I am going to have to wait until the right time for the remaining one, I need to check my motive for the last one before making a mistake. I will check with my sponsor prior to the last amend.

• I try to take a daily inventory and see how I did during the day, but being so busy it does escape me. I do apologize much quicker than I used to and do not procrastinate. In the past I never apologized nor explained myself, or at best said I was sorry.

• Today I pray on a daily basis. I have not gotten to the point of meditation. I do believe that meditation would be extremely useful. I have a hard time sitting still even for a moment. When there is silence in a AA meeting it drives me up a tree. It is progress not perfection.

• I did have a spiritual awakening. I am not going to say that it was as a result of these steps, but maybe it was, I know that it was from being sober. On a daily basis I try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice AA principles in all my affairs, obviously not to perfection. I believe that the second I step out of my door or out of an AA meeting, it is my personal responsibility to represent AA in the best light possible. There is far too much bad mouthing going around. It is a program of attraction not promotion. There is not a billboard on my lawn or a sign on my car, but when I run into someone I want them to take notice on how well AA has worked in my life and to see the changes that have taken place. Everyone knows active alcoholics and have seen the devastation in their lives as a result of alcohol, and if I can be that one example on how it can work, then I have accomplished my goal. If this story saves one persons life then I will be ecstatic. A friend once asked me if I helped 10 alcoholics a year for the next 30 years and only saved one life would it be worth it? My answer, ABSOLUTELY!!!

So much has changed over the past 6 1/2 years and it was only accomplished 24 hours at a time. In the beginning of sobriety sometimes it was minute by minute. I remember saying to myself the first weekend approaching that I will drink after this weekend, then it went to I will drink after a week, then two weeks, then a month, then six months and you know life just kept getting better. I only take it a day at a time today, who knows if I will be sober tomorrow. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and all we have is today, which is a gift, I truly believe that statement.

I absolutely love sobriety and what it has done for me and I am sure those around me love my sobriety. I am not the person I used to be. I tried for about 25 years of heavy drinking to accomplish what I have accomplished in sobriety in a short period of time, mainly that I am finally happy and slowly becoming the person I always dreamed of becoming. The statistics say that only 5-10% of newcomers stay sober for a year. I have been around long enough to believe that. So why have I stayed sober? My explanation is that I was chosen by God and if that is the case then it is my duty and honor to pass along the hope of sobriety.

Today I am excited about life and not dreading it, have hope and not doom, the St. Francis prayer really sums up how I wish to be and hopefully how others perceive me to be. It has been one hell of a journey and they tell me it keeps getting better. It is hard to believe that it gets better than this, but I have learned to listen to those who have gone before me and believe that it will continue to get better.

Conclusion

In conclusion I want to thank Howard L. for providing this incredible tool for recovery. Technology has its place in recovery. It has been very therapeutic and allowed me the time to stop and think along the way and come back to it. I am sure as time goes on I will come back to this site and edit and modify. My story is not unique, but it was an experience writing it out in this kind of detail. It took me back to those very dark times and how I got there and really appreciate my unbelievable life today. I hope that everyone takes the opportunity to write their story here or elsewhere, from experience I know how helpful it is. There are so many people to thank: My wife who puts up with me on a daily basis, my family, friends, counselors and most of all God who I thank on a daily basis for choosing me to be a sober alcoholic!

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