Compulsive Lying

Why People Lie

Everybody lies sometimes. For most of us, it's little white lies, like telling a cook that dinner is delicious even though it's terrible. These lies are designed to save someone's feelings without doing any harm.

Then, there are lies that hurt. Cheating husbands tell their wives they're working late. Business owners tell investors the company's doing well when it isn't. Still, it's easy to see the purpose of these lies. They're hurtful—or even illegal—but the motives are clear.

But, what about people who seem to lie for no reason at all? People who have perfectly good jobs, but tell acquaintances they do something else for a living? People who lie about where they grew up, what they did on the weekend, even what they had for dinner? Someone who lies all the time, for no apparent reason, may be a compulsive liar.

Sources of Compulsive Lying

Doctors don't really know why compulsive liars feel the need to avoid the truth. Compulsive lying may stem from feelings of insecurity. A made-up life can be tailored to impress anyone the person talks to. And, real-life problems can be glossed over or simply ignored. There's also some speculation that people who lie all the time have trouble telling truth from fiction. When a liar tells a tall tale, he or she quickly begins to believe it really happened.

It's possible that compulsive liars' brains even work differently from ordinary people's. One medical study showed that habitual liars had more white matter and less gray matter than people who don't generally lie.

Living with a Liar

Sometimes it's obvious right away that a person is lying. Their stories don't make sense. Details of one story contradict another. Or, it's simply unlikely that the overweight, balding guy you're talking to was just offered a modeling contract.

Unfortunately, some compulsive liars are very good at it. It can be years before a smooth liar gets caught. There might be a moment when a lie becomes apparent. Maybe you're out to dinner with someone who's claimed to be rich, but you see his credit card get declined. Or, it might just be a slowly accumulating number of things that seem not-quite-right.

When the Truth Comes Out

It can be devastating to find out that a friend or lover has been lying. This may be a person you've trusted and cared for—except that they were never what they seemed. People with family members who engage in compulsive lying sometimes say it's annoying more than anything else. You just never know when you can rely on a person like that.

It's not clear whether pathological liars can be helped. Some people believe that counseling, to help the person develop better self-esteem, can cure compulsive lying. But, if it's true that liars' brains are different, therapy may not help. It's likely that there are many different causes for compulsive lying. Perhaps some people can learn to stop, but others can't. As doctors learn more about this problem, it will become more apparent what can be done.

To Stay or Go?

Being friends with a liar, or being in a relationship with one, is difficult. Some people who have lived with compulsive liars suggest gently pointing out the lies, saying things like "That doesn't sound like it could be true," and "Are you sure that really happened?" Others have chosen to end the relationship rather than put up with the lies. If the liar is a loved one, a trial of therapy may be worth the effort and expense. Many liars do know that they have a problem and would welcome help to stop the lies.